• school frustrations •

I actually really like school (for the most part). I enjoy learning. I fear mediocrity in anything.

And that’s kind of the reason I also hate school. Because I work so freaking hard to set myself apart, to excel, to make my parents and teachers proud, to avoid the disappointment when meriting only a B (it happened twice in the last four years and still frustrates me to a degree), to avoid beating myself up later because I could have pushed myself a little harder and done a little better.

I also hate school because, sometimes, the amount of energy I put toward it is not in proportion to the long-term rewards. Sure, I’ll have a nice record, but who really cares? I don’t think I’ve ever heard people I admire discuss the grades they received in college or high school unless they didn’t do well. And then they laugh. Those that probably earned high marks don’t discuss it because it’s probably not important.

Yet we spend so much time and energy on it now because adults tell us “it’s worth it”. I’d like to know what “it” is and why “it’s” worth all these frustrations and tears.

I dread the coming of school because I know that, no matter how much I say “I don’t care”, I know that I will still work myself into the ground to do well. That’s who I am. Regardless of what the task is, I have to do try to do it better than those around me.

That doesn’t only go for school. It’s my attitude at work too. Whether I’m at the register, filling the meat, fronting, stocking the cooler, or wrapping produce, I put my all in so the manager goes, “hey, she’s worth her salt. I’m going to give her more freedom than the others because I know she won’t waste it”.

We’ve all heard that comparison is the thief of joy. It’s true. I learn this lesson over and over again and I don’t know how to stop comparing and just be satisfied with my best. I want my best, regardless of the outcome, to be enough for me.

So I suppose I’ll try to focus on that during the fall semester. We’ll see how it goes.

Love,

Rana || xoxo

P.S.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find the extra classes frustrating? “Oh, you’re going for nutrition? Why don’t you take a precalculus class?”

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• chin up •

Last night, I was told that I was ranked within the top 20 students at my school; my immediate response was, “why am I not in the top 10? Do they not do top 10? Is top 20 the best?” I thought back to that time I finished psychology with a B+ and that time I finished the first semester of Spanish II with a B+. Everything else has been an A since I started high school and dual enrolling.

I wondered why I didn’t do better. Why didn’t they rank me higher?

Back in March, I submitted an application for a study abroad opportunity in Korea. I reviewed my CV and motivation letter so many times. What could I do better? If I were reviewing a bunch of applications, would I choose mine?

Today, I found out I didn’t get in. Turns out I wasn’t just competing against the kids in my local college, but against kids all over the world. If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have set my hopes up so high (and thus I am reminded why I prefer the pessimistic worldview).

This semester, I took on six college classes so I could graduate with my high school diploma as well as associates degree. I have 90% in three or four classes, one other 90-, and an A+. And, for some reason, thought it would be a good idea to start working too. I’ve always been a hard worker, so I thought I could handle this. Apparently not because I’m not all A’s or A+’s, it’s hard to find time to shower + exercise, and gotten difficult to fall asleep (and stay asleep).

But here’s the thing:

My worth is not based on a grade, acceptance statistic, or the approval of others.

what

my life is a lie

I’ve always wanted to be the best, the strongest (not necessarily physically; I’ve given up on that), the humblest, the smartest, the prettiest, the favorite, the hardest worker, the x, y, and z.

At the same time, I realize that I will never be any of these things. I will never be the best at anything. I will never be the strongest, the humblest, the smartest, the favorite, or the hardest worker. And I have to be okay with that.

We have to set reasonable standards for ourselves and, if we find that they are unattainable, we need to lower them a bit until we are at the point where we can do better – and then we raise it again.

We’re human. We fail. We learn. We do better. It’s all we can do.

So keep your chin up.

You’ll fail.

You’ll be crushed.

But something better will come along and the temporary defeats will make sense.

Take it one day at a time. It will all work out.

God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect.

• Hebrews 11:40 •

If you were looking for some encouragement today, that’s hopefully it. xoxo

Love,

Rana || xoxo

The Boss’ Daughter

That’s me, by the way. Hi. *waves*

Daughter o’ the boss. My dad owns two jobs.

Being the daughter of someone who owns two businesses has its pros and cons. Last Saturday, the cons kind of kicked in.

I’m 17 and a half. I’ve worked inconsistently in our small grocery store for about 7 years. Now, I’m working 4 days a week, putting in between 16 and 20 hours (it’s like having a real job without the commitment – that aspect is nice) for below the minimum wage – which I’m pretty cool with. I mean, I can skip a day here and there if I want without being fired – heck, I //can’t// get fired! 😛

But, you know, I’m still getting paid.

Oh, and the cashiers can’t be jerks to me. 😉

There are cons though and let me list them out for you because I have “nothing” to do on a Wednesday afternoon and I wanted to write a blog post and it’s always easier to complain:

>>> I’m 17. People can start working at 16. They start at the register. I’m just now being able to run it because, since I was 10, I was fronting, stocking, cleaning, wrapping and doing whatever needed to be done. But a manager freaked out because I was running the register and made me look like an idiot in front of the customers by saying, “she’s just trying to help.”

Yeah.

Because I’m the boss’ daughter, I’m incompetent and the only reason I’m working is because I have special privileges. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have the ability to do a thing. Uh huh.

And, not to pat myself on the back or anything (and those of you who know me know that I don’t make myself out to be anything better than I am – I’m the flipping definition of humility and modesty *polishes nails and requests a manservant to bring me my sippy cup*), but I’m one of the most hard working and efficient people in that store.

>>> I’m not taken seriously. I’m just cute and do a good job and am the extra body. Just have her check dates. Because helping tray and wrap produce is beyond my mental and physical capacity. *rolls eyes*

>>> Learning anything new means that I have the potential to do your job better than you can do it yourself. So giveIn what language does homeschooled translate to ignorant? her a lollipop and keep her quiet.

>>> She’s home schooled. Don’t talk to her about anything important. One of the cashiers literally asked me if I thought boys were cute. Dude.

I learn at home (and currently have more common sense and common knowledge than you do). That doesn’t mean I’m blind.

And it doesn’t mean I’m ignorant. I know what getting high means; I know you snort cocaine; I know what sex is; I can appreciate physical appearances.

Don’t call me “innocent” if you don’t know who I am or what goes on in my head.

I’m aware but that doesn’t mean I do everything I’m aware of (because I’m not an idiot and can think for myself, thank you very much).

Don’t objectify me.

>>> She’s the extra body. Give her the unpleasant jobs.

>>> She’s the boss’ daughter. He likes to see her work hard. Give her the job I didn’t want to do.

>>> She’s the boss’ daughter. Don’t give her anything that would make me look like a jerk.

>>> She’s the boss’ daughter. “Could you help me with this?”

*groans*

On behalf of all offspring of business owners, I beg the rest of you to treat us like everyone else. Be nice; be patient; we want to learn what you do because it feels so limiting to know only this much for 7 years; we are the boss’ children and we are human too.

We are the boss’ children and we have feelings too.

EDIT: Not //all// the people I work with are idiots. 🙂 I get along with them for the most part. But some (okay, one or two) just can’t get past the fact that homeschoolers don’t always conform to the stereotypes. I like the people I work with (most of the time – we all have off-days. 😉 ).

God bless!

Rana