• dream •

Min Yoongi from BTS released a mixtape a few months ago. I can’t appreciate the language found in most of the songs. But I appreciate the honesty and transparency of the messages so much and have so much respect for this young songwriter and musician.

My favorite song off the album is Dream. The English translations aren’t 100% and there’s more language in some versions than others, but the message really hits me hard because it’s exactly what I’ve dealt with for the last several years.

We’re told to go to university, pursue education, get a job that pays well. We’ll be happy then. When we make six figures a year, we’ll be happy. So endure it for now. Just go to school, get a good job.

When I was younger, I swore I’d never become that person. I’d never believe the lie that money solves our problems; I’d never become miserable because of that. But I kind of am. I’m happy to expand my horizons and learn. I’m miserable because I do it only to please everyone but myself and to pursue a goal that’s not mine. I’m miserable because I don’t care for the money but that’s what my goal is supposed to be.

I’m told that these pressures will go away once I graduate and am in charge of my life. I know that’s a lie. Maybe it’s one they believe, but I know it’s not true because they push me to do this because it’s what they believe is best and if I don’t follow the path I’m choosing, then I’ll be considered a failure and I will disappoint. I understand and I’m grateful to be cared for. I just wish people cared with the right mindset.

We follow this path because we feel that we have no alternative. We do it to please our families. We do it to make sure they don’t feel that they’ve failed us or us them.

Yoongi says that not having a dream just led to loneliness and wondering what was wrong with him because, while his friends pursued their goals and lived, he was left not knowing what he was doing and why he didn’t have a dream. I understand that. My friends know what they want to do. Whether they pursue it or not is up to them, but they at least have a direction.

I’m following a path semi-constructed for me. I’m not passionate about my major. It’s interesting, it’s useful. But I’m not satisfied. I’m not sure all this time, frustration, and money is worth it to me. It is to my family because it’s the path they chose or wish they’d chosen. But I can’t see that.

To me, it just seems like we spend so much time chasing goals that don’t fulfill us because other people – people we trust – said they’re important. When I die, will I care that I made six figures a year for forty years? Will I care that I did well in school? Will I care about what I spent my life on?

Right now, I don’t think so.

And I’m confused because I’ve proven to myself over and over that I can do anything (thank you, God, for those opportunities and getting me through). I’ve overcome so many obstacles. I’ve done well in school, in public speaking, in debate. I’m a hard worker. I don’t think many other people have had the opportunities I’ve had at this age to prove that to themselves.

So I’m wondering why I can’t choose a path happily when I know that I can succeed walking any of them.

I’m trying to do everything with love, but I feel dry. Uninspired. Drained. Tired. Frustrated. So much is going for me and I appreciate it. It’s just hard to appreciate things when that’s not what’s important to me.

If you can, I encourage you to listen to Dream and absorb the lyrics even just once. I like this version because the translation is presented in a very beautiful way. Just be aware that there is an f-bomb and a d**** – I’m not happy about them, but the message is more powerful, I think, than those words.

My prayers are with you all.

Love,

Rana || xoxo

P.S.

Disclaimer: I don’t blame anyone for my path in life. I appreciate my friends and family very much. More so now than ever, I think, although I show it less than ever. I’m bad at communicating what’s important to me with people. I apologize and I love you all.

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