• dream •

Min Yoongi from BTS released a mixtape a few months ago. I can’t appreciate the language found in most of the songs. But I appreciate the honesty and transparency of the messages so much and have so much respect for this young songwriter and musician.

My favorite song off the album is Dream. The English translations aren’t 100% and there’s more language in some versions than others, but the message really hits me hard because it’s exactly what I’ve dealt with for the last several years.

We’re told to go to university, pursue education, get a job that pays well. We’ll be happy then. When we make six figures a year, we’ll be happy. So endure it for now. Just go to school, get a good job.

When I was younger, I swore I’d never become that person. I’d never believe the lie that money solves our problems; I’d never become miserable because of that. But I kind of am. I’m happy to expand my horizons and learn. I’m miserable because I do it only to please everyone but myself and to pursue a goal that’s not mine. I’m miserable because I don’t care for the money but that’s what my goal is supposed to be.

I’m told that these pressures will go away once I graduate and am in charge of my life. I know that’s a lie. Maybe it’s one they believe, but I know it’s not true because they push me to do this because it’s what they believe is best and if I don’t follow the path I’m choosing, then I’ll be considered a failure and I will disappoint. I understand and I’m grateful to be cared for. I just wish people cared with the right mindset.

We follow this path because we feel that we have no alternative. We do it to please our families. We do it to make sure they don’t feel that they’ve failed us or us them.

Yoongi says that not having a dream just led to loneliness and wondering what was wrong with him because, while his friends pursued their goals and lived, he was left not knowing what he was doing and why he didn’t have a dream. I understand that. My friends know what they want to do. Whether they pursue it or not is up to them, but they at least have a direction.

I’m following a path semi-constructed for me. I’m not passionate about my major. It’s interesting, it’s useful. But I’m not satisfied. I’m not sure all this time, frustration, and money is worth it to me. It is to my family because it’s the path they chose or wish they’d chosen. But I can’t see that.

To me, it just seems like we spend so much time chasing goals that don’t fulfill us because other people – people we trust – said they’re important. When I die, will I care that I made six figures a year for forty years? Will I care that I did well in school? Will I care about what I spent my life on?

Right now, I don’t think so.

And I’m confused because I’ve proven to myself over and over that I can do anything (thank you, God, for those opportunities and getting me through). I’ve overcome so many obstacles. I’ve done well in school, in public speaking, in debate. I’m a hard worker. I don’t think many other people have had the opportunities I’ve had at this age to prove that to themselves.

So I’m wondering why I can’t choose a path happily when I know that I can succeed walking any of them.

I’m trying to do everything with love, but I feel dry. Uninspired. Drained. Tired. Frustrated. So much is going for me and I appreciate it. It’s just hard to appreciate things when that’s not what’s important to me.

If you can, I encourage you to listen to Dream and absorb the lyrics even just once. I like this version because the translation is presented in a very beautiful way. Just be aware that there is an f-bomb and a d**** – I’m not happy about them, but the message is more powerful, I think, than those words.

My prayers are with you all.

Love,

Rana || xoxo

P.S.

Disclaimer: I don’t blame anyone for my path in life. I appreciate my friends and family very much. More so now than ever, I think, although I show it less than ever. I’m bad at communicating what’s important to me with people. I apologize and I love you all.

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High Fructose Fantasies

Hello, my darling!

I apologize for the irregular posts. I really should get myself on a schedule, but, ah, that would require effort and planning ahead – two things I’m not particularly fond of. So we’ll just stick with this spontaneous thing I’ve got going on.

Today, I just want to kind of throw some thoughts out there. It might be a bit scattered, so hold on tight. 😉

When we were young, we thought we’d be the popular kids with everything figured out. Don’t pretend like you never had those fantasies. We all High Fructose Fantasiesdid.

And now what are we?

What happened to the kids who weren’t afraid to love, to try things, to make mistakes? What happened to the kids who thought they were going to change the world?

I guess they grew up.

I used to day dream all the time. I used to think about my future.

Now, not so much. It’s getting better, but I used to dread thinking about the next day because it was so overwhelming. It still is if I think too hard or far. It just seems like once you hit high school, things go by so fast.

You’re expected to do, like,

  • 529,720,762,759 hours of community service
  • 5,000 hours of internship
  • decide what college to attend
  • what you want to do with the rest of your life
  • make friends
  • keep friends
  • lose friends
  • love
  • hate
  • get broken
  • pick yourself back up
  • have fun because childhood is the best time of your life but why aren’t you acting like an adult
  • cry but not too much because people will ask what’s wrong and they have their own problems – bigger problems so yours mean nothing
  • laugh
  • dream big
  • no, not that big you idiot because only special people can do that (basically, you’re obviously not special)
  • be yourself
  • no, not like that
  • do your homework
  • stop talking so much, no one cares
  • why are you so quiet, I want to hear what you have to say
  • get involved in extra curricular activities
  • but maybe you should drop them because you obviously need an A+ in all of your classes and you seem stressed out
  • and don’t forget to shower and sleep somewhere in between.

Why don’t we dream big anymore? Because there are only 24 hours in a day  and it’s spent doing s o  m u c h  n o t h i n g.

Why do we really need A’s? I work way too hard for a letter. After that, what? I go to a nice college so I can hopefully get a job in the field I studied for. So much of what I do rests on hope that’s not even my own. Is that okay? Is this really how I want to live my life? I just don’t understand why that’s the only option. *shakes head*

(This is not to say that I’m advocating for rebellion against parents/guardians when they tell you to work hard and get good grades. I only mean that you should think for yourself. Respect authority, kids.)

Back to the point: we don’t dream anymore. Our hopes been sucked dry by an uncreative society’s chaotic and bland version of reality. And we so readily conform to it. Our new dreams are no longer that of a hopeful child with starry eyes looking to a bright future. The only dreams we now dare to hope come true must be possible and probable. Anything else will get you hurt.

Our new dreams, though, terrify us into paralysis. We’re afraid to dream too big. We’re afraid we can’t achieve the success they have. We’re afraid. So afraid.

Why don’t we dream big anymore? Because there are only 24 hours in a day and-

Guys, there are only 24 hours in a day.

Don’t waste that precious time being afraid. If you’re afraid to wear that leather jacket because you’re afraid to break out of the t-shirt and jeans standard you’ve created for yourself, have courage. Do it. Go for it. What’s the worst that could happen? Flushed cheeks and maybe a comment on how wonderful you look?

Small changes add up. Make them.

They don’t have to be life changes. Maybe just a little one. Live on the edge. Chop your hair off, wear striped pants, smile at a stranger.

Summary: society’s version of dreaming is going to keep your from making a move. So screw society and do your own thing. Dream. Hope. Love.

[/thus end Rana’s random thoughts]

Much love from a kid who’s just as confused (if not more so) as you.

Rana