Last night, I was told that I was ranked within the top 20 students at my school; my immediate response was, “why am I not in the top 10? Do they not do top 10? Is top 20 the best?” I thought back to that time I finished psychology with a B+ and that time I finished the first semester of Spanish II with a B+. Everything else has been an A since I started high school and dual enrolling.
I wondered why I didn’t do better. Why didn’t they rank me higher?
Back in March, I submitted an application for a study abroad opportunity in Korea. I reviewed my CV and motivation letter so many times. What could I do better? If I were reviewing a bunch of applications, would I choose mine?
Today, I found out I didn’t get in. Turns out I wasn’t just competing against the kids in my local college, but against kids all over the world. If I’d known that, I wouldn’t have set my hopes up so high (and thus I am reminded why I prefer the pessimistic worldview).
This semester, I took on six college classes so I could graduate with my high school diploma as well as associates degree. I have 90% in three or four classes, one other 90-, and an A+. And, for some reason, thought it would be a good idea to start working too. I’ve always been a hard worker, so I thought I could handle this. Apparently not because I’m not all A’s or A+’s, it’s hard to find time to shower + exercise, and gotten difficult to fall asleep (and stay asleep).
But here’s the thing:
My worth is not based on a grade, acceptance statistic, or the approval of others.
my life is a lie
I’ve always wanted to be the best, the strongest (not necessarily physically; I’ve given up on that), the humblest, the smartest, the prettiest, the favorite, the hardest worker, the x, y, and z.
At the same time, I realize that I will never be any of these things. I will never be the best at anything. I will never be the strongest, the humblest, the smartest, the favorite, or the hardest worker. And I have to be okay with that.
We have to set reasonable standards for ourselves and, if we find that they are unattainable, we need to lower them a bit until we are at the point where we can do better – and then we raise it again.
We’re human. We fail. We learn. We do better. It’s all we can do.
So keep your chin up.
You’ll be crushed.
But something better will come along and the temporary defeats will make sense.
Take it one day at a time. It will all work out.
God having provided some better thing for us, that they without us should not be made perfect.
• Hebrews 11:40 •
If you were looking for some encouragement today, that’s hopefully it. xoxo
Rana || xoxo