I actually really like school (for the most part). I enjoy learning. I fear mediocrity in anything.
And that’s kind of the reason I also hate school. Because I work so freaking hard to set myself apart, to excel, to make my parents and teachers proud, to avoid the disappointment when meriting only a B (it happened twice in the last four years and still frustrates me to a degree), to avoid beating myself up later because I could have pushed myself a little harder and done a little better.
I also hate school because, sometimes, the amount of energy I put toward it is not in proportion to the long-term rewards. Sure, I’ll have a nice record, but who really cares? I don’t think I’ve ever heard people I admire discuss the grades they received in college or high school unless they didn’t do well. And then they laugh. Those that probably earned high marks don’t discuss it because it’s probably not important.
Yet we spend so much time and energy on it now because adults tell us “it’s worth it”. I’d like to know what “it” is and why “it’s” worth all these frustrations and tears.
I dread the coming of school because I know that, no matter how much I say “I don’t care”, I know that I will still work myself into the ground to do well. That’s who I am. Regardless of what the task is, I have to do try to do it better than those around me.
That doesn’t only go for school. It’s my attitude at work too. Whether I’m at the register, filling the meat, fronting, stocking the cooler, or wrapping produce, I put my all in so the manager goes, “hey, she’s worth her salt. I’m going to give her more freedom than the others because I know she won’t waste it”.
We’ve all heard that comparison is the thief of joy. It’s true. I learn this lesson over and over again and I don’t know how to stop comparing and just be satisfied with my best. I want my best, regardless of the outcome, to be enough for me.
So I suppose I’ll try to focus on that during the fall semester. We’ll see how it goes.
Rana || xoxo
Is it just me, or does anyone else find the extra classes frustrating? “Oh, you’re going for nutrition? Why don’t you take a precalculus class?”