• loser •

I don’t know about you, but it seems like everyone is obsessed with having a “squad” or “bestie” or something like that. Basically, a group of people you call friends and do absolutely everything with and, no matter what, you’ll stick together and have a great time doing nothing and you can say whatever comes to mind and talk about all your problems.

I don’t have one of those. Of course, I have friends – we’ve known each other since before we can remember. I’m not putting them down or trying to undermine or undervalue their presence in my life. I appreciate them so much. But we have lives. We don’t have time to do everything together. We don’t have the energy or means of accomplishing or achieving the typical “squad goals” or whatever. We don’t want to.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

I fee like society tells us that we need a group of people (or at least one) to call our own or there’s something wrong with us. We’re “loners”, “losers” (BIGBANG, I feel ya) – we’re basically the weirdos of society. We don’t fit in and we don’t belong. And someone told us that was pitiful.

But you know what?

Most aren’t as happy as they want us to believe when they spam your FaceBook, Instagram, and Twitter feeds with pictures of them and their buds with #mysquad.

Those of us who don’t have a squad and don’t pretend to – there’s nothing wrong with us. We just have higher standards for meaningful relationships. Or we’re just waiting for the right friendship. Or maybe we’re learning to be okay without someone else.

• Maybe we’re learning to own ourselves before claiming someone else. •

There’s nothing wrong with not having one or a group of people to lean on in hard times. Sure, it makes the hard times a bit harder, but we’ll survive.

“Honestly, I’ve never fit in with the world // I was always alone // It’s been a long time since I’ve forgotten about love // I can’t listen to hopeful love songs anymore // […] // I wanna go back to when I was young.”

• BIGBANG // Loser •

I felt this when I was in public and private school (kindergarten up to fifth grade). It was very difficult for me. I had to get up every morning and tell myself that I had friends. I was overthinking their behavior. I was overthinking the fact that I’d walk behind everyone and no one would tell me even once, “hey, walk with me” or “you go first this time”. Running across the field to grab forgotten lunch boxes even though I was the slowest out of the three of us wasn’t them being mean. I was being kind; I offered anyway. They weren’t taking advantage of that or trying to get rid of me. They weren’t making fun of me when I didn’t shop at Limited Too or watch Spongebob Squarepants like the rest of them. Nah.

In fifth grade, I began home schooling. I felt a sense of freedom and realized that I did not have to fit in with the other kids. They were shallow and I knew that. I just didn’t know how to step back. Now I did. Now, I was comfortable in my own skin.

Fast forward to that time I competed in speech and debate for five years. Everyone was kind and polite, but I didn’t feel accepted until I finished in 6th and then in 4th place in debate at two of the larger qualifying tournaments and made it to semi-finals with my speech three times during my last year. Enter that feeling of insufficiency as myself once again.

Skip to when the most honest friendship I had didn’t work out and I learned that saying forever doesn’t really mean forever. I still remember a birthday letter I received that said, “I’ll always be here for you”.

And that time the most important people to me didn’t show up for my eighth, thirteenth, fifteen, seventeenth, and eighteenth birthdays (Aly, I know you’re laughing at me). Sounds ridiculous, I know. But when you’re eight years old and realize that it’s inconvenient for someone who “loves you” to celebrate your existence, it does something to ya. ::shrugs:: And now you know why I hate birthdays.

None of this is to make you feel bad for the pitiful life I’ve led (because I know people who suffer much worse), but to emphasize that the times in which I have felt the darkest are the times when I have been the most alone.

• You don’t need a squad or bestie to overcome anything. •

Society tells us that, as long as you have one person with whom you can share your heart, you’ll be fine. Screw that. You don’t need a person. You have to learn to be strong enough without validation from other people. Society romanticizes the idea of friendship.

Friendship isn’t stupid selfies and cookies in the middle of the night. Lucky you if you have that. But friendship isn’t easy and it isn’t comprised of giggles or tears over your ex-boyfriend (sorry for undermining the emotional impact of Fifteen, Taylor Swift).

I’ve stopped wasting my time trying to justify other peoples’ actions so I might believe they care in order to feel better about myself; I’ve started trying to see things as they are. Maybe I’m bitter. Maybe I’m no fun. Maybe I’m a realist. Maybe I’m a loser.

But we’ve got the strength to deal with difficulties without a squad and we can persist without needing someone to cheer us on. We don’t depend on the validation of others anymore.

Instead, I’m learning to put my trust in God rather than in people.

I’m not saying having friends is a bad thing or hating on people with squads simply because I don’t have one. The point is this: we’ll be okay even if we’re on our own.

Love always,

Rana || xoxo

 

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• the little things •

  • studying for an economics test when the guy with a deep voice from your math class (but with the personality of a puppy) begins telling you how he couldn’t sleep last night, so he watched Howl’s Moving Castle instead and you find out he is also reading The Lord of the Rings
  • complimenting someone on their outfit and them saying, “I needed that today; thank you”
  • asking someone whether or not you should get chocolate chip cookies or M&M’s and they take the time to seriously help you out
  • going to the drugstore because you need/want new mascara + eyeliner but meeting a person with a lovely personality and giving them eyeliner tips
  • seeing your friend who says, “how did your economics test go? I remembered and prayed for you.”
  • getting to the chapel a bit later than usual when a woman walks in, kneels down, and begins crying. You wait a few minutes before handing her a tissue and holding her hand. She continues to cry and squeezes your hand back. You sit beside her and hold her. She asks for prayers for her son, Steven (Stephen?). You give her your Pieta prayer book (which you didn’t think you had anymore) and dog-ear the prayers which offered you the most comfort in your time of need.
  • she thanks you for being there for her; you think, “no one should have to cry alone”
  • realizing your iPod was in your pocket so you plug it in on the way home and listen to Kim Jae Joong and G-Dragon before feeling happy enough to sing with Taeyang
  • getting home and realizing your computer is being used, so you draw instead
  • once you’re done drawing, you read Not God’s Type

the little things are often ordinary, everyday miracles

pay attention

Love,

Rana || xoxo

• the nomadic heart •

I’ve always (always) had a tough time making decisions. Whether it’s “what’s your favorite color”, “what do you want for breakfast”, or “what will you study in college”, I could rarely give you an answer on the spot.

Even now, I could not tell you definitively what my favorite color is. Breakfast is waffles because my brother’s home from college + that’s kind of what we decided on last night.

It has always been frustrating. Not only for me, but also for my family and anyone asking questions. For so long, it’s just been an annoyance and eternal source of aggravation. I see so many people around me who are either (a) set on what they want to do or (b) don’t know what they want to do, but aren’t under any pressure to find out.

Now, I realize that no one is entirely open about their struggles and there are a lot of people in my shoes, but I haven’t found them yet.

The more I think about this though, the more I realize that this doesn’t have to be a setback. It means that I am meant to do more than work, study, pay bills, and die. We all are. I think that everyone must be born with this sense of instability and fear of commitment because we crave more than the average. Many simply settle for a life and that becomes average but…

• mediocre scares me •

Source: http://www.allkpop.com/meme_view/npp25w/so/. || I feel all of these on a very deep level. Thank you, Bangtan Boys, for existing and daring to be greater.

I have this crazy drive to be the best. Whatever I do, if I’m not succeeding, I feel as if I am doing something wrong. This probably isn’t all good or healthy and it’s probably going to teach me a painful lesson sooner or later, but it drives me to work hard and study hard.

This drive for success in whatever area I am working on, I believe, will open many more doors for me. I want to travel, try new foods, learn from every experience, and live unordinarily. Living like everyone else scares me.

But here’s the thing: whatever happens is what’s meant to happen and I am at peace with that (for the most part). I just keep my head down, do my best, work hard, and I know that it will all work out.

This nomadic heart is not a setback, but a calling to something more than the norm. There is nothing wrong with an inconsistent life as long as the principles and morals stay firm. There is nothing wrong with leading a different life or thinking outside the box.

Dare to be greater + don’t let fear hold you back. Take the time to remind yourself that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing.

“Dear young people, do not be afraid of making decisive choices in life. Have faith; the Lord will not abandon you!”

 • Pope Francis •

Love,

Rana || xoxo

P.S.

Waffles with chocolate sauce + caramel sauce is daebak.