We Torture Ourselves

So, on Sunday, I went to my grandma’s house for a cook out since my uncle from California is visiting.

I was supposed to be having fun (and I did have a bit).

But I kept mulling over all the men I fell in love with who died.

I have a knack for falling for the dudes who die.

And when they die, I die. It’s a horribly cruel cycle.

Anyway, I finished the Desensitized trilogy. I wanted to cry. I killed my favorite.


And I looked at Aspen and went:

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Because he was the only one she could talk to about anything. He was the only one who understood her pain, who knew the history, who didn’t let her pretend she was okay.

Worst part is: they didn’t get to say goodbye.

And now Aspen has to go tell his brother (who had his memories twisted and wiped) that his twin just died.

I feel like a monster.

So I got to thinking what’s the difference between a writer and a reader when it comes to killing people?

We’re obviously talking fictional, people!

Why can Moffat do this and laugh while we cry (Thanks, Una. I’m still dying on the inside.)?

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But, as writers, when we kill our babies off, we can laugh and cry?

What’s the difference?

I mean, it would make more sense for the writer’s to cry, right? We’re the ones doing the killing? But when our readers cry, we laugh.

Is it because writers are sadistic?


But I also think writer’s feel more pain. Why?

Because we know we can change it, but we won’t. Readers are powerless. They learn to accept. Writers… oh, no. We are merciless creatures. We torture ourselves.

We could turn that tragic end, to a happy ending.

We could keep the love interest alive and make the hero happy.

We could give the loner a friend.

We could do anything.

But we don’t.

We kill.

We give people false hopes.

We make it look like the sun is about to come out just before the darker clouds cover it up and rain begins to pour.

We are the ones who inflict this agony onto ourselves.

But you know what? It’s worth it.

In the end, while we have killed some of our favorites, we have built up worlds, torn down corrupt governments, ridden the dragon, saved the princess, and torn ourselves open for the world to see.

We are writers. And we will take over the world.

God bless!


3 thoughts on “We Torture Ourselves

  1. Great thoughts! I think I’m addicted to sadness. I love sorrow in stories because it’s a very strong, very powerful, and very relatable FEELING, and why do we read except to feel? That’s why I, as a writer and a reader, crave pain in my stories as much as the happiness or excitement or anger or awe.
    I love getting your ideas, great job:)


  2. Something I worry about is that my writing isn’t as passionate and heartfelt as it should be…you seem to not have that problem. 🙂 Great post!


    • I know what you mean!!! I have trouble finding the right words. Like, I know what I want to say, but it’s how to say it that’s the problem. Catch my drift? 😛

      Glad you both liked it! 😀


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